To the selfless soul keeping my baby,
I’m struggling. My heart is already missing her and I haven’t even left for work yet. One million things are going through my head, but I keep telling myself “be brave Katie, mommas do this all the time”. You see, I’ve been brave since God placed being a momma on my heart. And out of all the hard things I had to do to get her here, this is by far the hardest. This time has gone by so quickly, and right now I’m honestly praying it freezes.
But I’ll be loading her up with all her little pink things in her little pink monogram bag, that little bag I always prayed I’d carry. I’ll gather all the trinkets that I think might sooth her when she’s sad, her bottles with her cute little name stickers that I spent hours picking out, and literally all the love I have in my heart. And I’ll bring her to you, because that’s what this momma has to do.
So when you see me, I might be able to give you a half smile without bursting into tears. I might be able to hug your neck so tight, but leave tear stains on your collar. And I might be able to hand you over my little girl, but stand and watch you hold her for a moment and wish so badly I could trade places with you. And as you know so well, you’re holding my every breath in your hands. Those hands of yours, we’ve prayed for every night. We’ve prayed they are hands that love, sooth, and serve as a safe place for our little one. We pray you two create a bond that only you two can have. We also thank the Lord for you every night too. We thank him that his plan led us to you. We thank Him that you choose to show His grace every day when taking care of littles. We thank Him for the bond and love we as her parents already feel with you.
I do want you to know that I’m not worried about her being with you. Although, I’m so terribly sad it’s not me, I really am so glad it’s you. I know you will experience milestones with her that I may not. I know you might witness some of her firsts that I may not. And with tears falling as I write, that’s my only worry. I know you can’t appreciate them the exact way a momma would, but I do pray you appreciate them in a special way. And my heart has a feeling that it’s going to be the sweetest way.
I know throughout this first year, I’ll ask for many favors. And I apologize in advance if you have to send multiple reminders of things she needs or changes being made because my little ADD brain tends to get overwhelmed and forgetful quite easily. But please, one favor from me early on… maybe you could whisper a few “momma loves you’s” throughout the day? Because that little girl I just handed to you has my whole heart, every last beat.
And you sweet Trae, you have my heart now too. We trust you. We love you. And we are so thankful that she gets to be loved by you.
So before I walk out the door, get in my car, and drive away I want to tell you just a few things…I want you to know Elle loves when we sing. I sing to her all day, during the happy times and sad times. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. When she naps, she loves to burry her little face in your arms, that’s where she feels most safe. You may think it’s hard for her to breathe, but she finds a way. And a little heads up, she puts up a mean fight to finally fall asleep. I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that I’ve cried along with her before. And eye contact, it makes her smile. When you witness her first smile, the one that takes up her whole face, I hope you can see why leaving her hurts every fiber in my body. But I also know that smile needs to be shared, because I fully believe her purpose here on earth is to give hope.
We hoped for her. We hoped for her for a long time, the way we hope every momma and daddy in the Wait get to experience this kind of love one day. But we also hoped for you too. We hoped we would find someone to love her like their own. We hoped we would find someone who prays and hugs. And we hoped that our hearts would feel full knowing she is loved and taken care of when we can’t physically be there. Our hope came true in you, we love you.
Waiting on 4 o’clock,