Walking in the doctor’s office yesterday, we were full of so many emotions. And we walked out the exact same way, as we had to wait for our blood results to come back. I can’t tell you how many prayers were sent up. I know there had to be more than just from just me and Sky, because my heart was so calm. My head game was strong. And my grip on Skylar’s hand had never been so tight. We’ve done this walk before, two times before to be exact, and it never gets easier.
As skylar read me the results, I couldn’t help but question, how did we get here? What happened at some point in our lives to make us feel this much pain in an area that’s suppose to bring so much joy? What did we do so wrong this time or not do? If they say to drink it, I’ve drank it. If they say to eat it, I’ve ate it. There’s no telling how many tricks we’ve tried, ridiculous myths we’ve done, books we’ve read, money we’ve spent, and rules we’ve followed in attempt to become parents. I literally feel so silly at times. Now, please don’t think I’m being selfish or asking for pity…. because I’m not. I’m simply explaining the lengths many go to when suffering with infertility. There are millions of couples out there who’s situations and stories are worse than ours. And to think that some complete strangers are going through this makes my heart ache all over. To us right now in life, it’s the biggest heartbreak. It’s the hardest battle. And at times it seems like the longest walk.
When I finally became brave enough to share our story and awareness for infertility, I knew it would be hard. I knew I would have to share the good and exciting times, but also the hard and sad times too. Honestly, writing today was the last thing I really wanted to do. Admitting the truth stings, but our prayer warriors and support system deserve this. So here I am, broken heartedly letting you know that it’s not our time yet. Our sweet little embryo didn’t stick around for as long as we hoped. My beta (blood test) was negative, therefore I’m not pregnant. You’d think it would be easy to comprehend because I’ve had to say it the last 3 years. But I was just so hopeful that THIS was it.
But really, how did we get here? Why has another month passed and I’ve still not been able to make this sweet man a daddy either? I honestly don’t think one understands unconditional love until they experience life changing situations with each other. And here we are, trying to change our lives by adding a sweet little blessing. And the fact that it’s not working is life changing in itself. Yesterday, Skylar’s hurt was evident. Not only do I know he just wants to be a daddy, I also know he just wants this to be over for us and for it to be our turn. Waking up this morning I prayed so hard the test was wrong (I even messaged them to make sure we got the right results and or could it be too early still?) and that Skylar would be walking in at any moment with my morning shot. Who prays for a shot? This girl. But instead I got the sweetest hug and kiss from someone equally exhausted, heartbroken, and confused. But strangely, his love for me and determination to create a family makes me feel better. He has that quality about him regardless. And oh my heart loves him more now than ever.
How did we get here? What’s so wrong with my body that it can’t do the one thing God put women on this earth to do? Why do I feel as if I’ve failed so many? Why do my emotions and anxiety sometimes cause me to steer away from the One who is really running this show? And the true question I know all my friends and family are dying to know is, why did I so strangely become obsessed with dogs just a short four years ago, that Mallie was all I wanted when I got home from getting our results?
The only answer I can come up with is, God.
God got us here. He planned this life for us a long time ago. He planned right now for us to be mad and heartbroken, but He also knew it would remind us of our strength, our fight in becoming parents, and our trust in Him. He knew this journey would make us realize what we already knew, how do people go through this without Him? It’s so apparent now why he chose Skylar for me. He knew I needed someone of his nature to love me and guide us through the hard times. He knew that my mom’s thirteen year wait to hold Jeni (and two years later, myself) would serve a purpose in my life. He knew I needed her. He knew my strong willed self would follow the desires he put in my heart. And as silly as it sounds, He planned for me to turn from an” umm dogs are kind of stinky” to a total “fur-mom” because he knew I would need my heart to be filled with something to love. He’s also telling us today that it’s not over, He loves us so much, we aren’t giving up, to listen and lean on him, to feel all the emotions that come along with this journey, and that good things are going to happen.
From the bottom of our hearts, we thank you. Every prayer said, message sent, blog read, hug given, and tear shed… thank you. I don’t want you to think for a second our prayers weren’t heard, because they were and our hearts were so full. The support continues to light our fire of determination to bring a baby home.
Yesterday, I struggled with letting people down. I felt as if my “unexplained” and TEMPORARY defected body allowed so many to hurt and or question our prayers. And as I wept on the bathroom floor with apology to my mom, she reassured me that my strength and faith doesn’t let anyone down. So if anyone of you are struggling in any area of life… if you’ve prayed and prayed for things to happen and they have yet to occur, if you’re heartbroken and sad, please don’t give up on Him. Keep believing and holding on to him… we will be right here with you, doing the exact same thing. I can’t say from experience that His plan is better, but I fully believe that it will be and that reason alone gives me so much hope.
Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen, it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. Hebrews 11:1
Today, I am one day closer to becoming a momma. And for that, I am grateful.
Waiting and trusting,