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In the Wait

God's plan is the best, sometimes it is just hard to see

I’m Going to Miss Him

I’m going to miss him. But yet, I’m so excited to see the new him. A him that I’ve been waiting to see for years now. I guess I shouldn’t say the “new him” because all of my favorite qualities about him will continue to be the same, but then grow in a way I can’t even imagine yet. Of all people, he knows change scares me. Being a mom does not, and seeing him as a dad certainly doesn’t. But losing us, makes me a little nervous. He’s my most favorite person and I feel my safest when I’m with him.

For years, it’s just been me and him… well, of course our two fur pups too. We’ve done so much together. And over the last almost seven years of our relationship, I’ve loved every minute. Don’t worry, I’m not forgetting the difficult days. The days when it was hard for him to like me, but he continued to love me. The days when I let my emotions and fear drive me to a whole new me, but he stood beside me anyway. And the days I spent in tears and fears that where we are now felt like so far away. I know he will only continue to love me and our little girl the same over the next chapter of our lives too.

I’m going to miss the spur of the moment trips we make and countless date nights to our favorite places. But I hope our relationship has prepared both of our hearts for what’s to come. And although our hearts hurt for years, I wouldn’t trade them for anything and today I’m thankful for them. I’m thankful for the foundation it set for our family, and I’m thankful they allowed me to have him all to myself for so long.

Dating my husband and being his wife has been my greatest joy, and some parts of me are sad to share him. Honestly, I feel so guilty actually saying that out loud. I feel so guilty because this is something that we both have wanted, prayed for, and fought for… but I never knew these emotions would ever arise. So I’m vowing to myself to soak up every minute with him until our sweet little girl gets here. Because that is when I’ll get to meet the “new him”, that might just be the “best him”.

What I do know, is that I’m going to love him in a whole new way. A way that I’ve prayed for for what seems like forever. A way that I see all my friends love their husbands. I also know that Elle is going to be so lucky, and I wouldn’t want to share her with anyone else but him. She already has a daddy that does so much for her and loves her so big. And honestly, I love seeing his heart grow. So maybe sharing him won’t be so bad after all…

I’m so thankful to have a husband I’m not quite ready to share, but even more thankful to be sharing him with our greatest joy.

Selfishly waiting for a few more months,

Katie

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Your First Letter

Sweet Elle Kathryn,

Never in a million years did I think I was going to get to be your mommy. Don’t get me wrong, I always believed I’d be here one day, writing to my child… but I honestly never thought it would be you.

You see, your momma tried to be a planner. For about two years she tried to run the show. But clearly that show never aired and it never brought me to you. During that time, I prayed. And I prayed hard. But I still tried to control God’s ultimate plan to the best of my ability without really even realizing it. But for the last year of our three year journey, this journey that is bringing us to you, I resigned. I finally realized that our God is a much better planner than me. With the help of so many family, friends, and prayer warriors, we chose to put Faith in this Wait of ours… and goodness, what a story you are to us.

To be frank, I thought you were a boy. Matter of fact, I “knew” you were a boy. I even told your precious doctor and nurses that I was 150% sure I would be a boy mom. I had bought boy clothes, picked out a nursery, referred to you as “he”, and everything in between. Clearly I was “planning” for a bit. But there was really no rhyme or reason to my belief other than a WHOLE LOT of science, or so I thought. And there’s no telling how many times God got a good kick over my foolishness. And yet again, God showed me who’s in control with making you my best surprise ever. I hope you always know that his plan is much better than ours. You little girl, you are proof of that.

With all they being said, I never ever wished for a boy or a girl. I wished for a baby. A healthy baby. A baby of my own and a baby to prove to this uncooperative body of mine that God is good. But if you want to know the truth, you’ve been in my dreams forever. I’ve known your name for years and years, and when I think about you now I think there is no way I could love you anymore.

(Your Lolli, Mimi, Daddy, and MeMe are so ready for you too💗)

But do let me confess, the idea of having a little girl had always made me nervous since being on this journey. Not because of the frill, drama, or boys, but because I never wanted her to know the pain I (and thousands of other Mommas) have felt. Although it’s a pain I’d never take back now, it was still such a difficult season of life. I didn’t know if I could watch someone that I love so much hurt. But you know what, I think that was God’s plan all along. Today and every day forward He is teaching me my strength, and that no matter what battle we face in your sweet lifetime, momma’s got it. And I have no choice but to be strong and support you. And before I knew you were you, I said a special prayer each night for your little organs. I prayed and still pray that however and whenever…you get to feel a love just like this.

Right now, God’s plan couldn’t seem any better. You’ll have two cousins waiting on you that you will get to explore life with, and so many friends and extended family born close in age that will make this life so much sweeter. God has allowed your momma and daddy’s hearts to know a new strength and love and He’s preparing us to be the best we can be for you. Sister, loving you is going to be my most favorite thing yet.

Waiting on you,

Momma

Baby Kirkland

Dear Baby Kirkland

I can’t believe you’re here. I can’t believe you’re mine. Don’t get me wrong, I always knew you’d make your way to me. I’ve had full faith that I would become your momma, but I never expected it to feel like this. This feeling I’m experiencing makes me want to hug every Mommas neck a little harder, and it makes me want to buy from every little baby ad that pops up. I wouldn’t wish this journey on anyone, but I’m so glad it was ours.

You see, you’re daddy and I met you on November 7th. We transferred you and another sweet embryo. When we found out we were pregnant I couldn’t help but to wonder if it was just you in there or if I would be carrying two. I honestly had no clue. I can’t help but to think now that the other little embryo helped you get here. He or she blocked you in so you could get nice and cozy. And when I think about the how that might have happened or the decision we had to make to get you here I get emotional. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think we’d have to make a choice like that, but we did. We prayed really hard and we went with what God put in our hearts, and I’m so glad we did. I know my life with you will consist of many other difficult decisions. I pray that we always follow God’s lead. And I pray you do the same too.

I also want you to know that we waited with so much faith. At first it was a little rocky. My heart just hurt. But there were so many people along the way that inspired us, cheered us on, and helped get you here. Some days were easier than others. But we wouldn’t be here without support. You’re momma needed help. I swallowed my pride, dropped my chin, and asked for prayers. Not just for us, but for all the other Mommas and daddies on our same journey. And look where it led us, it led us right to you. I know for a fact that I will ask for help for the rest of your life when it comes to raising you. And I’m not one bit ashamed. I pray my faith will always shine for you, no matter what curveballs life throws our way. And I pray your faith moves mountains one day too.

I wish I could describe the way I felt when I heard your first little heartbeat. It honestly took my breathe away. It’s a sound I turn to when days are bad or worries appear. With the beating of your heart I see God’s promises. Sharing the news of you was such a joy. But I couldn’t help but to hurt for others. The same hurt I’ve known oh so well. I pray your journey here is not a journey in vain, but a journey that gives hope. I had to read a lot of other momma’s journeys to keep me going, and the strength they had to press on helped me keep going. I pray God uses our story to inspire and not cause pain. And I pray you grow up living out your story and doing the exact same too.

I want you to know we never gave up. And when I say “we” I mean your dad and me, all of our family and friends, our doctors and nurses, and all the prayer warriors who lifted you up each night. We never gave up our faith and hope in God’s promises. There were times when we thought we were so close to you, but God had other plans. I would wait a hundred more moons for you. I would continue to walk this journey for miles and miles, as long as it led me right here to you. You sweet baby, are already so loved and already give hope to so many. You are simply all we’ve ever wanted. I pray we are all you’ll ever want too.

Waiting to hold you,

Momma

Changes

Today we started everything all over again. And although we are familiar with this journey, I’ve prayed and prayed for it to be different, but somethings will always stay the same… the fear, the nerves, the pain, the tears, the appointments, the side effects, the love, the support, our trust in the Lord, and all the sweet prayers. Regardless if these constant variables are good or bad, they are apart of our journey to parenthood. So I have no choice but to put on my big girl pants (which are now 2 sizes bigger) and deal.

As for the changes I’ve prayed for, I’m sure you can guess them all. Right now, I’m narrowing it down to one. One big umbrella prayer, is that cheating??? Surely not, but I pray that this October brings the greatest change yet. That it becomes a month of my body responding the best it can, the strongest embryos to date, and the last October we “physically” spend in the infertility world. I’m well aware that these changes are out of our control no matter what type of weird fruits I eat, vitamins I take, and or how much pink or blue I wear… but it’s all in God’s control and for that we are thankful.

With that being said, we honestly tried to start this round a little differently. We tried to make a few changes on our own, you know just some manual changes that don’t overstep God’s hand in this journey… So, we parked on the opposite side of the parking lot than usual. We usually sit by the window, but today we found a new seat close to the front. I “emptied” my bladder in the furthest bathroom instead of the closest. And I switched seats with Skylar in front of the doctor’s desk. How’s that for some change? See, this is change that we can control. Change that probably will have zero effect on our outcome, but makes this little superstitious soul sleep a little better (I may or may not have inherited that little quirk from my dad). God understands, and I’m sure he thinks I’m funny.

As I sit here, I can’t help but to think about all the other changes that have happened in the last few years. And all those changes have led us right back here {again}. Today, I can’t fully tell you the purpose in those changes, and nor do these changes make sense in my little brain just yet. But one day I will and one day they will. And what a day of rejoicing that will be.

The month of October has been a month of change for us over the last three years. It has been a month that has brought us both excitement and sadness. What we thought would bring us the best and biggest change was in October 16th, 2016, the day we found out we were pregnant. It was the day all felt right in the world. The day I realized what it felt like to love something so much and so new. Something that I’ve never met and or even touched. But something that made me feel whole. A whole that I can’t wait to feel again someday. That month…that day… will ALWAYS be one of my most favorite days. But the heartbreak of that miscarriage really changed my heart. And not for the better. For about eight months after our miscarriage I was in my lowest of lows. My demeanor had changed, my smile had changed, and my heart was slowly becoming so bitter but trying to be strong at the same time. I didn’t like this change. I didn’t like how I had reached my highest of highs, just to feel my worst pain. But I knew I had to keep pushing on if I ever wanted to feel that “whole” feeling again.

With a lot of tears, medicine, and treatment during the following year we decided to make another change. On October 11, 2017 we started our first attempt at IVF. Man, we were SO excited. For as many books and articles as I read, I was still so naive to the fact that there was still a possibility that we wouldn’t result in becoming actual parents. We just knew it was going to be our time though.We just knew we were right where we needed to be. But goodness, that sure changed. Again we felt defeated and heartbroken.

And today, on October 16th, 2018 (same day as our first positive pregnancy test) we started our new round of IVF in high hopes to bring a baby into this world again. Sitting there today, I actually {felt} changed. I felt stronger. I felt seasoned and heard. I felt blessed with the opportunity to do this again. And I felt the power of prayer— and let me tell you, if you’ve never truly experienced the power of prayer, just wait. It’s the coolest feeling. It’s seriously a feeling of peace and clarity walking hand in hand with you as you face moments that once surrounded you with fear and anxiety. Now, this journey is tough so I’m not saying the fear and anxiety of this round won’t creep up now and then… but to start this round without it was the sweetest change.

With all that being said, seasons of change are hard. And I know there are millions of people facing changes much more difficult than ours…So if you know someone going through change, big or small, pray for them. Don’t just tell them you will, actually do it. If you need it, tell me. Because I promise you I will and I have a pretty precious army of pray warriors that will pray for you too. He tells us to come to Him, to lay it all at His feet…. and my gift of gab is good at doing just that.

All of our lab work came back great. All of our medicines are in. And all our trust is in Him. May He show us a change like never before.

Let’s do this round #3!

Waiting for change,

Katie

**edited to add** Faith in the Wait shirts are on now on Batch #3! This order will be open for the next 17 days! ALL proceeds go to Lullaby of Hope!

https://www.bonfire.com/help-give-faith-to-those-in-the-wait/

Adults – blue and grey Kids- navy

Thirty

Well it happened. The clock struck midnight and on the 6th of September and I turned a year older. I couldn’t stop the time from ticking. I couldn’t slow the seconds down. And I surely couldn’t go back in time. Therefore it happened. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think thirty is old. I just thought thirty would look different than it did when I looked in the mirror that morning. And that’s what stung a little bit.

I had a hard time falling asleep on my birthday eve. I had this gust of anxiety enter my body. I tossed and turned thinking “why me? This is not what thirty is suppose to look like for me. Honestly, I fell into the pool of self pity. Here I am with tears quietly falling because the one goal I had for myself by thirty didn’t happen. Meanwhile other thirty year old’s goals consist of adding another baby to the mix, advancing in careers, traveling the world, getting back into tip top shape, and or welcoming their first blessing. But no, not me. Here I am begging for one while feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin due to physical changes that I can’t quite control.

I honestly thought I’d forget my birthday by this point. I just figured I’d be so engrossed in my own littles. I thought I’d be rushing out the door on my thirtieth carrying diaper bags and car seats. But instead I leisurely made my favorite coffee, straightened up the kitchen, and grabbed just my purse. I thought my body would have baby battle scars, but instead it doesn’t know who it is anymore. And I thought I would be giving “mommy” advice to all my other friends instead of not being able to contribute much to those types of conversations.

Poor me, right? I mean, it must be horrible to have lived thirty years. To have been surrounded these thirty years by friends and family who have loved me unconditionally. To have steered clear of any life threatening diseases and or accidents. To have a roof over my head, food in the pantry, a job that gives me a purpose in life, and a husband that loves me through my ADD and constantly forgetting to turn off every light. Yeah, this life seems so miserable huh?

Silly me, because this is what thirty looked like...

The morning of my birthday was no different. I was probably cutting it close on time and rushed into the building, turned down our long hallway and immediately tears started falling. My sweet cohearts surprised me with a little door decor to celebrate. They knew this was a tough one for me and they never cease to make me feel so special and my feelings so validated. If you don’t work with people you love, I suggest you find a new job. Thirty looked so sweet.

Next, I saw this. My classroom was fully decorated by my sweet student’s parents. Needless to say, my students learned about happy tears that day because they never stopped flowing. Thirty looked so thoughtful.

And lastly, my sweet husband gathered all my favorite people under one roof to sing me happy birthday. He thought out every detail from the food, to the balloons, and the cake. I don’t know how I got so lucky in becoming his wife or why he chooses to love me the way he does, but he will always be my most favorite gift. He along with everyone there made thirty look so undeserving.

Now, I’m not sharing all this to boast and or brag, but to simply show how both the Devil and God work. The Devil clearly wasn’t invited to my party, but per usual he was trying to creep in. He wanted me to wake up and welcome year thirty with a grudge. He wanted me to live this year in misery because it wasn’t what I wanted it to look like. Can I still be sad at times? Yes. I’m human. But I can’t live there. And that’s when God shows up and shows out. He has used my family and friends to show me what thirty truly looks like: sweet, thoughtful, and undeserving.

So today, (and hopefully every day) I am choosing to love thirty… because I know without a doubt that these will be the best years of my life.

Thirty and waiting,

Katie

PS- For my birthday and for the next 12 days, I am selling Faith in the Wait shirts. ALL proceeds will go to Lullaby of Hope, a sweet ministry so close to my heart. Not only will this shirt help others in the Wait, but it will help to spread God love.

Asking. Searching. Knocking.

About an hour before our doctor’s appointment I came across this verse…

Keep asking and it will be given to you. Keep searching and you will find. Keep knocking and the door will be opened to you. For everyone that asks receives, and the one who searches finds, and to the one who knocks, the door will be open.” Matthew 7:7

I’m sure you’ve heard or read it before too. Or heard parts of it quoted by family or friends when times were tough. I know I have. And sadly, I’m sure I’ve shrugged it off with a, “yeah, yeah. I know” response. But today I didn’t. I read it about five times in a row. And I couldn’t help but think God himself wrote it just for me. Just for today. Just when I needed to be reminded to keep going. Because asking, searching, and knocking are three things we’ve been doing for quite sometime now.

Today we asked a lot of questions. Today we searched for answers and new possibilities. And today we vowed to continue to keep knocking on any door that helps us become parents.

We came with all the information our Little brains and hearts have consumed over the last three years. I came with all the questions I (and others) could think of, all of our past medical history (even though they already have it), and a nervous heart. You’d think I’d be over the nerves by now. But honestly, constant heartache is tough. Yes, it does make us stronger. But three years ago I think I would have been absolutely fine never knowing this strength. And I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s only normal to be nervous, scared, and anxious while on this journey, as long as you can remain hopeful.

And hopeful is just what we are. I have to continue to tell myself these things, “My doctors are brilliant. My body is capable. And my God is so good.” —The last part I know, but it never hurts to keep saying— In the waiting room I repeated it over and over. Sadly, I was surrounded by about six other couples. I saw the fear in their eyes. Their heads hung low. And their hands squeezing one another. I wanted to tell them it would be okay. That we’ve been here before and to just hold on to hope. But I quite couldn’t follow it up with a story that has yet to have a happy ending. What I really wanted to do was start chanting it. Man, that would have been great. Can you picture it?A group of infertiles rallying together in the waiting room. But I knew Skylar would kill me. And I never would have done it anyway. But the thought brought a smile to my face and a few giggles. Next time should I bring signs just in case? Maybe to protest hope? Ha. And really, I didn’t want them to think three years of hormones turn you into the “crazy waiting room” lady. So I sat there, and prayed for them and for us instead. And I shared some smiles with this little cutie. Those eyes are everything…

If you’re reading this and asking, searching, and knocking are constantly on your agenda, you’re not alone. But I’m going to tell you what EVERY woman before me has said… “don’t stop”. I will march in hope around you and with you if you want me too. We aren’t stopping and neither are you. No matter the heart breaks and or obstacles that stand in our way. I refuse to stop.

As of today, we are gearing up for round 3 of IVF. To some it may seem rushed, to others it may not be soon enough.. but my heart is in a good place, I have Skylar holding my hand, a family who loves and supports us more than I can describe, friends who have faithfully cheered us on for a while now, and a God who told me today to keep asking, searching, and knocking. So why not? Now, there’s no date set in stone. My little heart wishes I could start tomorrow, but sadly finances and scheduling play a large role. It’s just part of this journey, but knowing we aren’t giving up will keep me going.

Our story is far from over, but one day it will have the best ending.

Hopefully Waiting,

Katie

so…guess I’ll keep playing pretend with this one for just a little longer… so embarrassing. Ha.

How did we get here?

Walking in the doctor’s office yesterday, we were full of so many emotions. And we walked out the exact same way, as we had to wait for our blood results to come back. I can’t tell you how many prayers were sent up. I know there had to be more than just from just me and Sky, because my heart was so calm. My head game was strong. And my grip on Skylar’s hand had never been so tight. We’ve done this walk before, two times before to be exact, and it never gets easier.

As skylar read me the results, I couldn’t help but question, how did we get here? What happened at some point in our lives to make us feel this much pain in an area that’s suppose to bring so much joy? What did we do so wrong this time or not do? If they say to drink it, I’ve drank it. If they say to eat it, I’ve ate it. There’s no telling how many tricks we’ve tried, ridiculous myths we’ve done, books we’ve read, money we’ve spent, and rules we’ve followed in attempt to become parents. I literally feel so silly at times. Now, please don’t think I’m being selfish or asking for pity…. because I’m not. I’m simply explaining the lengths many go to when suffering with infertility. There are millions of couples out there who’s situations and stories are worse than ours. And to think that some complete strangers are going through this makes my heart ache all over. To us right now in life, it’s the biggest heartbreak. It’s the hardest battle. And at times it seems like the longest walk.

When I finally became brave enough to share our story and awareness for infertility, I knew it would be hard. I knew I would have to share the good and exciting times, but also the hard and sad times too. Honestly, writing today was the last thing I really wanted to do. Admitting the truth stings, but our prayer warriors and support system deserve this. So here I am, broken heartedly letting you know that it’s not our time yet. Our sweet little embryo didn’t stick around for as long as we hoped. My beta (blood test) was negative, therefore I’m not pregnant. You’d think it would be easy to comprehend because I’ve had to say it the last 3 years. But I was just so hopeful that THIS was it.

But really, how did we get here? Why has another month passed and I’ve still not been able to make this sweet man a daddy either? I honestly don’t think one understands unconditional love until they experience life changing situations with each other. And here we are, trying to change our lives by adding a sweet little blessing. And the fact that it’s not working is life changing in itself. Yesterday, Skylar’s hurt was evident. Not only do I know he just wants to be a daddy, I also know he just wants this to be over for us and for it to be our turn. Waking up this morning I prayed so hard the test was wrong (I even messaged them to make sure we got the right results and or could it be too early still?) and that Skylar would be walking in at any moment with my morning shot. Who prays for a shot? This girl. But instead I got the sweetest hug and kiss from someone equally exhausted, heartbroken, and confused. But strangely, his love for me and determination to create a family makes me feel better. He has that quality about him regardless. And oh my heart loves him more now than ever.

How did we get here? What’s so wrong with my body that it can’t do the one thing God put women on this earth to do? Why do I feel as if I’ve failed so many? Why do my emotions and anxiety sometimes cause me to steer away from the One who is really running this show? And the true question I know all my friends and family are dying to know is, why did I so strangely become obsessed with dogs just a short four years ago, that Mallie was all I wanted when I got home from getting our results?

The only answer I can come up with is, God.

God got us here. He planned this life for us a long time ago. He planned right now for us to be mad and heartbroken, but He also knew it would remind us of our strength, our fight in becoming parents, and our trust in Him. He knew this journey would make us realize what we already knew, how do people go through this without Him? It’s so apparent now why he chose Skylar for me. He knew I needed someone of his nature to love me and guide us through the hard times. He knew that my mom’s thirteen year wait to hold Jeni (and two years later, myself) would serve a purpose in my life. He knew I needed her. He knew my strong willed self would follow the desires he put in my heart. And as silly as it sounds, He planned for me to turn from an” umm dogs are kind of stinky” to a total “fur-mom” because he knew I would need my heart to be filled with something to love. He’s also telling us today that it’s not over, He loves us so much, we aren’t giving up, to listen and lean on him, to feel all the emotions that come along with this journey, and that good things are going to happen.

From the bottom of our hearts, we thank you. Every prayer said, message sent, blog read, hug given, and tear shed… thank you. I don’t want you to think for a second our prayers weren’t heard, because they were and our hearts were so full. The support continues to light our fire of determination to bring a baby home.

Yesterday, I struggled with letting people down. I felt as if my “unexplained” and TEMPORARY defected body allowed so many to hurt and or question our prayers. And as I wept on the bathroom floor with apology to my mom, she reassured me that my strength and faith doesn’t let anyone down. So if anyone of you are struggling in any area of life… if you’ve prayed and prayed for things to happen and they have yet to occur, if you’re heartbroken and sad, please don’t give up on Him. Keep believing and holding on to him… we will be right here with you, doing the exact same thing. I can’t say from experience that His plan is better, but I fully believe that it will be and that reason alone gives me so much hope.

Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen, it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. Hebrews 11:1

Today, I am one day closer to becoming a momma. And for that, I am grateful.

Waiting and trusting,

Katie

The TWW Prayer

Dear Lord,

Hi. It’s me again. You know, I’ve prayed to you my whole life, and I’ll continue to pray to you the rest of my life too because I think you’re the coolest. I love our daily and or hourly conversations. I know I’m a hard pill to swallow sometimes, but you made me that way and you get me. More so than my momma, and that’s a lot. I love that I can close my eyes and talk to you when I feel like the world doesn’t quite understand. And sometimes you know my eyes aren’t even closed because it’s hard to close your eyes and pray when you’re ADD brain has to multitask by putting on make up or driving. Thanks for not holding that against me. Our conversations usually consist of the desires of my heart for others and myself, an assortment of prayer requests, a lot of repenting, and a lot of praise. But over the last three years our conversations have been a little different. And quite frankly Lord, you know what words are about to come out of my mouth before I do. You know what I’m thinking, what I will do, and what the plan is for this little life of mine. But my prayer to you today comes from every ounce of my heart. It’s a prayer that honestly consumes my entire being for this short period of time. Lord, I just want to be a mommy.

Just like this one of mine who has yet to stop wearing pink or blue. Thank you for her. I could go on and on, but that’s a whole different prayer.

So today and everyday I want to start off by thanking you. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. You’ve seen me at my best, and continue to love me at my worst. But coming from a woman striving to be a mother, I thank you for providing so many different resources that allow millions of Mommas and daddies to become parents. Thank you for molding and shaping every doctor, nurse, and scientist that have followed your lead into a profession so selfless. Into a profession that produces the greatest reward. I know I struggled with the idea of assistance for a short period of time, but thank you for reassuring me that this was and is the path for me and Skylar. Thank you for providing us with the resources to continue on this journey. Thank you for showing us our strength when we thought there was no way we could keep going. Thank you for all of our family, friends, and prayer warriors that have joined in this journey with us. I couldn’t imagine doing this alone. Who knew making a baby would involve so many people. (God likes a little humor now and then, I think 😜)

Along with doctors, thank you for our acupuncturist, Dr. Lei. Sky thanks you for her too because she’s kept me SO chill compared to last time. She’s serious about what she does, hence my constant bruising and herb consumption… but hundreds have walked away from her with success and we have you to thank.

Lord, you allowed the sweetest little embryo to form. And that tiny tiny being was placed so carefully inside this body of mine only a short time ago, but goodness it feels like forever. Don’t get me wrong, Lord, I’ve enjoyed every second of being a momma. And regardless if my timeline ends sooner than what we hoped for, there wasn’t a second that I wasn’t proud and thankful for this opportunity. This journey or this TWW (two week wait) hasn’t been all sunshine and smiles, but it has and continues to mold my heart even more for you. Just like I will mold my future children for you too. Scouts honor.

If it’s your will, Lord, I’d love for this little one to stick around for awhile. The thought of you sending one of your children to us gives me all kinds of butterflies and chills. I’d love to watch this little one grow inside me. I’d love to see it’s face and hear it’s cry. And I promise on everything to raise it loving you and knowing you.

Today, I’m selfishly praying for my body to be strong and healthy to carry a potential child. I’m praying that our time is here, and that we are next. I’m praying to continue to show your grace and love through whatever may be. And as much as I hate PIO shots, I pray Skylar continues to stick me with them for the next 12 weeks. And that says a lot. Oh, and I’m sorry if I’ve dropped a few “not so pretty” words during them, some of them really hurt.

We give it all to you, Lord. Even on the hardest days when I can’t quite say it out loud… it’s still yours. I love you.

Waiting with an Amen,

Katie

Saving Space

Recently I listened to a podcast (The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey) about the importance of people “saving space” for them during difficult times. In the interview she talked about how people who can’t relate to others or who are busy with their own lives sometimes tend to not hold enough space in their hearts to fully try to understand or devote purposeful time to other people’s struggles. She also discussed that that was okay. Not everyone has the ability to save as much space. I listened to that five minute segment at least 4 times… and so many thoughts began spinning in my mind. You should check out This podcast and see if your heart spins too. (Thanks Brit for sending this my way, and for introducing me to my new obsession)

The more I thought about the concept of “saving space”, the more relevant it became in so many relationships and situations I have in my life and probably so many for you too. It also made me think, am I even a space saver? Do I allow my heart and mind to tend to others appropriately and intentionally? Am I able to put my worries aside? And the longer I thought about it, the more self conscious I felt.

Coincidentally, I saw space saved for me last week and my heart just lost it. You see, this sweet friend of mind didn’t have to hold space for me. She’s already gone through the motions of infertility. She’s been patient and trusted God and his timing for so long, so you would think that she is now consuming all her space with the new addition she will be adding to her family soon. Spending her time and energy now being a “normal” pregnant momma is where you think her heart would be and filling her heart with all the joys and triumphs of beating infertility. But instead, she chose to remember me. She chose to remember me (and I’m sure so many others) and my pain and remember that I’m not quite there yet. And although she’s not in my shoes anymore…but still being able to relate to my journey is simply keeping space for me. With that being said, when I received the most selfless gift from this fellow momma in the Wait, I decided to make a list of all the space I needed to save in my heart during this Wait.

Also, this is the sweetest book that brought tears and tears to my eyes. What she didn’t know was that I have been buying books for our future child for quite a while now… and adding this one to the collection is oh so special. Click Here to purchase this sweet book for yourself or a friend.

Like I told you above, during the podcast she stated that not all people can save a lot of space. And that doesn’t make a person mean or cold hearted, it’s just that they aren’t wired that way. I’d like to think I am and want to at least give it a try.

So, now for my list. Because over the last three years my heart has been consumed of our Wait and although I’d like to think I’ve saved space for others… I probably haven’t done my best. I I’m going to start off slow with only a few people to focus on in hopes that I can give it my all and not over fill my plate. That way I can later add to my list.

#1. My husband- Now, I know that sounds horrible. And it makes my heart hurt, but sometimes I feel like I haven’t done the best job saving space for what’s important to him. He is so great to remind me that infertility does not define us and that regardless what plans the Lord has for us, we still have a life we have to live and enjoy. I worry too much about how infertility is affecting me… how it makes me feel, what it does to my mind and body, the comparisons I form, and blah blah blah. Infertility is tough on a marriage and although I tell him that he has my whole heart during every argument we have, I don’t do the best showing it. So from today on, I’m saving space for him and all his glory, for our marriage, for his worries that he so graciously hides from me to save me from worrying, and to living and loving life the way we did before our Wait began.

#2. My Family – They really are the best. I hope and pray that our children are raised in a family that make loving one another look so effortless, natural, and so supportive. Besides the fact that my family is huge, they serve as the best prayer warriors. They are a constant reminder that there isn’t a day that goes by that someone isn’t putting a bug in God’s ear to send us our miracle. They are the first to check in, send prayers, and so much love… but I haven’t done the best being one hundred percent present in their joyous life moments and or struggles during our Wait. And that’s not fair. Sometimes they tell me, “well we didn’t want to add any additive stress to you right now”. And although that shows their heart, I should be asking rather than being told. I wouldn’t be the person I am without them, and their life situations are just as important as mine. And for you mom and dad, thanks for supporting us in every way possible. And for coming to see us often when my anxiety keeps me from coming to see you. There’s not a single day that I don’t thank God for you both. I’ll forever be the luckiest little girl in the world.

My sweet cousin left a prayer rock at the Cross at Kerrville for sweet baby Kirkland. This rock will one day serve as an answered prayer, we just know it.

#3. My Close Friends- These friends of mine know me. They know my heart and know my intentions are true. But they also know my little ADD brain and my anxiety. They know that forgetful should be my middle name and that my anxious self isn’t my best self. But are stories that later become comical. If I stop and make a list of everything going on with them or their families, it’s longer than I would like. Sadly sometimes it takes them checking in on me for me to ask about them. What kind of stinking friend is that? It’s not one to be honest. These are the friends that have kept me afloat during these trying times, and I HAVE to do the same for them. But shoutout to my besties, thanks for loving me through this. You’ve given me so much strength when days seem so tough.

You see, not only do my friends join me for some extra “chi” to doctor’s appointments, they encourage me every step of the way. I’ve got the best ones out there.

Okay, so there they are. Those are three spaces I’m opening up. And if you are on the list, please hold me accountable to being my best for you because each one of you have been the BEST for me. Reading over this post I’m so undeserving of your love, and I’m so thankful God allowed you to make space for me during this chapter in life. Praying God helps me be a better me and to focus more on others and to love like Him.

Waiting with more space,

Katie

PS- July could possibly be a big month for us. If you have extra space and pray, we would love prayers as my body prepares for one more chance to make sweet Skylar and me become parents.

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