Lately, I’ve felt as if I’ve had no words to share with mommas who are struggling. I’ve tried over and over to put my thoughts on paper, but they always seem a jumbled mess. So please excuse me if they aren’t as eloquent as I’d hoped. But know these words are real. They are hard to muster. And they consume feelings I never knew were possible.
I have no words for how thankful I am for our journey to get to Elle Kathryn. And as I always say, I would do it 100xs over again if I knew it would always lead me to her. But how do you explain this to people who are still waiting? It’s hard for me. It’s hard because while going through the motions of starting a family… I never once thought about this part. I prayed that we would one day be able to spread hope and God’s love, but I didn’t think about how tough conversations would be because your heart is hurting so bad for the ones who aren’t physically holding their every last dream. I’m sometimes scared they look at me and think I’ve forgotten their pain, but I haven’t. Sometimes I just feel like I have no words that can comfort them because I’m no longer standing in their shoes. And in all honesty, I’ve never prayed harder for mommas in the Wait.
I have no words because life after infertility is hard. Please, I’m not asking for any pitty. You just don’t know what side of the fence is yours anymore. Or at least that’s my struggle.
For the last six months it’s been hard to find words for all the sweet mommas still waiting. Being on the other side of infertility is strange in some sort. You pray that the pictures you post and the words you say bring hope, but you know behind their smiles some mommas in the Wait are really hurting. I know they are. I’ve been there. I do know that you can be both happy and sad at the same time. I learned that while in the Wait. Being genuinely happy for someone but having your heart hurt at the same time does happen. And I don’t ever want to cause hurt, I don’t ever want to feel like I am now unintentionally causing pain to others. That alone brings up the emotions of feeling both happy and sad all over again. Happy to be holding my sweet little girl and heart broken for mommas who aren’t quite there yet. It’s all so strange.
Now not only am I on the other side of a short three year battle that at the time felt like a life time, I’m pregnant. Again. Naturally. One hundred percent God’s plan. And when we found out, I had no words. I couldn’t regulate my emotions and sometimes I still can’t. I couldn’t get past the struggle it took to get Elle Kathryn here, the fact that she is still my baby, and how I am going to use my story for the good without causing pain. Sometimes I just have no words. I don’t know what to say. How did this even happen?
This pregnancy will one day get its own post, but for now we are thankful that God is trusting us with another little girl. Hollis, we cannot wait to love you forever too. And just as Elle Kathryn, we pray you bring hope.
This journey has led me to having no words for the amount of love I feel for Elle Kathryn. My sister in law often asks, “Do you just love her so much?” And I catch myself freezing up because I can’t fully explain my love in a few short words. I knew I would love her, but I didn’t know it would be like this. I didn’t know she would consume my every single breath. I didn’t know this tiny human that God trusted me with literally holds my heart in her hand. I thank God every day for her. She has taught me I can go with the first outfit I try on because the other twenty don’t fit anymore or time is of the essence and I’ve run out of it when it comes to me. She’s taught me to be independent and be strong because I physically have a little one who needs me. She’s made me selfish with my time, devoting it all to her and having zero FOMO because I’m realizing too quickly that time passes so quickly. And the love I have for her leaves me with no words to mommas who want their own. It’s the strangest feeling.
I just need people to believe me when I say God is good. He knows your desires, but sometimes his plan is a little different. He knows your pain, and holds your hand tightly as you weep. He knows your heart, and he wants just as badly for you to share it with one of his children. Mommas in the Wait, I’ve come to the conclusion that the loss of words that I battle with daily is a result for how badly I want this for you. It’s not because I’ve moved on. It’s not because I’m too busy. But it’s because I know the feeling now, and I pray every day you get to experience it soon.
God knew this would be my story, and I pray I will continue to use it to share His goodness.
Waiting on the right words to say,